Funny (to me, anyway)

In honor of our return to school in fucking AUGUST, I thought I'd share a few funnies from my private journal from a few years ago. I realize that this entry will do little to blunt the pain; only a really big shot of Bailey's in your morning coffee (after you arrive safely at school, of course) will make staph development slightly less painful.

September 17
There was an assembly program for our grade today. Actually, it consisted of the principal and a few other administrators lecturing the kids on how they need to behave better. And while I think the kids certainly needed to hear it, I have a hunch that the whole thing went in one ear and out the other.

When the assembly ended the kids were dismissed for lunch. But I kept my class in the auditorium because I was unhappy with the way they behaved when I was trying to line them up. And I need to follow through this year with my discipline policies, or it will be a very long year. The kids are smart and nice but also high-spirited.

Anyway, The Dean walked by as I was standing near the class and did not realize I was detaining the kids, so he started to dismiss them to lunch. When I told him that they needed to stay he made them sit down. Then one of the kids mumbled something about him being the one in charge, and that since he started to dismiss, they should be allowed to go to lunch. And The Dean overheard this and blew up at the kids. His face got red, and he yelled, “Ms. Malarkey is the final authority here and I am here to back her up. If she wants you suspended I will do it.” Then, he was really on a roll. He raised his voice even louder and said, “I AM HERE... TO GIVE MS. MALARKEY... WHATEVER... SHE... WANTS!”

Of course these kids don’t miss a thing. They started to snicker but none of them laughed out loud, luckily for them. It was terribly hard for me not to laugh. I was unsuccessful in not smiling. At least The Dean was in front of me so he couldn’t tell that I was biting the inside of my mouth to keep from cracking up myself.


Tuesday, December 3
The Dean has a brilliant idea for a book. He is going to edit all of the anecdotals that we send in on the kids, write responses, and put out a book. It is going to be called Dear Mr. Dean...HELP! Here’s an excerpt:

Dear Mr. Dean:
Kirsten and Justin got into a verbal altercation, which resulted in Kirsten calling Justin “a stupid motherfucker”, picking up her chair and hurling it at him. She narrowly missed him.
Ms. Malarkey

Dear Ms. Malarkey:
Obviously, you aren’t doing enough to address Kirsten’s learning style. Maybe you need to try a more bodily/kinesthetic approach. Good luck, and let the custodian know if he needs to mop up any blood.
Mr. Dean


Wednesday, April 02
My kids are doing an entrepreneurship project where they have to come up with a business idea and develop it. We started yesterday.

I was thinking that I might take one of the ideas and see if I could get it to take off. It could make me rich, I think. Then someone might actually want to take me on a second date. Hm.

Anyway. One of the groups called me over to share their idea. It was for a gym called "Urban Erotic Fitness". It would primarily be a naked gym, with dominatrixes for fitness instructors. There was more to it, but I had to stop the kids in mid-share because it was bordering on R-rated, and I told them that it needed to be PG. But hell, I'll run with the idea, being over 21. I figure I'll let the mastermind of the plan in on the profits. Maybe set it up as a college fund for him. After all, this teaching thing is getting a little dull. Naked exercising sounds a lot more lucrative!